thisoldlifeofmine

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Sober times. 

It’s been a really busy and very sober weekend which has been great. Had a day at the beach with my sis in law and her four little ones, it felt like we were abroad for the day.  In the past I would of been tempted to get a little bottle of wine and have a couple of drinks down on the beach. The thought though of feeling hungover the next day was enough of a deterrent.  The next day Jamie was working and I had to get gifts for a birthday party Dylan was going to and a wedding we were going to later. This, with 2 kids in tow would of been brutal with a hangover, instead, not the most fun thing to do with 2 little ones but easily manageable. Everything when I’m hungover is an ordeal varying in severity depending on how much I’d drunk the night before and what I’d drunk. When Chloe was little I used to manage to have drinks with friends and cope he next day. I was in my 20’s and do think when your younger your body somehow can process the alcohol easier and as you get older and with me more demands it all gets so much harder.  We got to the wedding and my friend who was getting married seemed pretty out of it, I think she had been drinking the night before and the afternoon before the wedding.  I’ve seen her drunk many times over the years and seen her giggly and happy and excitable with it. On this day she just seemed out of it. She’s battled with mental health all her adult life and the way I saw her at her wedding was how I’ve seen her when she has been quite ill and not fully present. It made me feel massively uncomfortable to see her like this and it felt surreal that everyone else was oblivious. I felt that she seemed very vulnerable. I don’t see her that much as she has moved away but the couple of times I have seen her she has seemed more with it. We left the reception early as my family were all going to turn into monsters due to hunger and watching Fearne crawl right up to girls with killer stillettos was too stressful! One of the girls from the hen do was saying to me I should stay and just drink and again saying I probably get really bad hangovers because I don’t drink enough booze. She was saying she has wine every night, a few glasses and that helps her. Maybe she doesn’t get crippling hangovers the way I do but I couldn’t handle feeling like that every morning. My friend when I said bye to her was really horrible & then blanked me for leaving. Altogether it wasn’t a very nice experience. I think she was so annoyed that I wasn’t staying and drinking.   I think some relationships can’t carry on when one person changes.  The next day we had a surprise 35th Wedding Anniversary BBQ for Jamie’s mum & dad. At 8am I was making the mix for a Cake, there is no way I would of been doing that if hungover. The BBQ was great. Most people were having a drink but I genuinely didn’t miss it. I had a nice time and was glad to feel in control.

My weekend felt reimageally full and I felt the absence of alcohol only enhance

d things instead of feeling that I was somehow missing out.

The Victoria Sponge I made for Jamie’s Mum & Dad, this would never of happened on a  hangover.  I probably wouldn’t even of made the BBQ 😒😒

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And on we go! 

My journey of sobriety seems to be making a few twists and turns of late. I was doing so well & managed 5 months without an alcoholic drink and was getting into the swing of sober life. Then I had Fearne’s Birthday which on the one hand i needed 6 days for my body to process and flush out the alcohol. Yet, on the other hand I’ve been thinking a lot about drinking again and wondered whether I should just give up the blog and take up drinking again. 
I seem to be surrounded by anyone and everyone sharing pics on FB of themselves sitting outside enjoying the sunshine with a glass of obligatory booze. So, on Sunday I was really busy and what had at one point seemed a good idea, landed myself the task of making a Victoria Sponge on Sunday night. Once I got the kids to bed and tidied up I felt I deserved a drink. Everyone else was doing it and maybe there’s something not normal about me completely abstaining, there were 3 vodka mixer drinks left over from the BBQ so I popped the 3 in the freezer. Then, had one as I was making the cake and then once I had finally sat down for the day I drank the other 2, I felt a bit tipsy and thinking how nice it was to feel like that. Fast forward to time to get up and yep I felt hungover !! From 3 bottles of vodka mixers. I had 4 friends coming round at 11am with toddlers and babies and so much to do including a Victoria Sponge to be sandwiched together with butter icing. Why oh why do I do this to myself. Why could I not have had one drink, why 3? I’m pretty sure if there had of been more I would of had more. My friends came and instead of enjoying them being here I just felt a little hungover and under par. I then had my in laws popping in and I had to take Dylan to the hospital then Jamie didn’t get home from work til 9pm, I conceded he definitely had a longer day this time. 
Thankfully today I felt completely fine so just a one day hangover. It just shows that 3 drinks is without a doubt my limit and I can function the next day. Yet, if I had been out or had friends round and been drinking I know I would drink more than 3 drinks. 
Had a brilliant day with Dylan. It was a lovely day and he had loads of fun with his new paddling pool. 
So, here I am again, trying hard not to drink booze, not to get sucked in by the lure of it. To see it for what it is and that it takes from you more than it gives you. 

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Relieved 

So glad I’m not hungover. 

Fearne woke up at 6am with her teeth sore and needed 30 minutes of cuddling whilst she cried and cried until the nurofen kicked in. I can’t imagine having to do that if I’d not got in til the small hours and had drank alcohol all night. 

I’m sure the other girls who really wanted me to drink are all sleeping their hangovers off and not getting ready for the school run with a teething baby. 

Think a few strong coffees should do the trick this morning to help with tiredness but don’t think anything could of helped with a hangover plus school run plus teething. 

So glad I didn’t drink alcohol. 

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Choices 

So, just back from one of my oldest friends (as in we’ve been friends for 29 years not that she’s the oldest friend I have) Hen Nights and I feel so guilty.    Guilty that I wasn’t drinking alcohol. Guilty that I wasn’t the life and soul of the party, getting up and singing karaoke and generally making an arse of myself.  Her sister in law left early and that was fine and acceptable. Her mum didn’t drink at the meal and had one small glass of wine in the bar and this was fine. Her sister who is a teacher and will be teaching in the morning wasn’t drinking and that was ok. Her 20 year old daughter who is up at 6am for work wasn’t drinking and that was ok.    Yet for me, I got major guilt from the Hen and another 2 friends and her friends mum, they were all drinking and kept asking why I wasn’t and one friend just constantly kept saying “leave the car, have a few” heaping loads of pressure on. I felt like a complete party pooper and as though I was such a crap friend because I wasn’t drinking. 

    I explained to one of the other friends that it’s Dylan’s second last day of term tomorrow and everyone is going for a picnic in the park after school and If I drink, I don’t know my limits and get massively carried away and then I could be likely to struggle to get Dylan to school or wouldn’t do the picnic after school. Then everyone was saying but you’ll be drinking at the wedding though. I’m not sure that I want to drink at the wedding but I’ll feel as if I’m letting my friend down if I go to the wedding and reception and don’t drink. 

    Following on from Fearne’s birthday BBQ my hangover lasted 6 days. Everyone that I talk to says that I need to drink more so as not to have such a long hangover, should I ? Is that the key to escaping days of hangover to just drink more frequently so your body recognises the poison and doesn’t reject it so much? 

    Also the day after my friends wedding we are having a BBQ for my in laws wedding anniversary and there is no way I’ll want to go if I have a major hangover. 

    I wish I could just go to the wedding and have a few and, also, if you have a few people leave you alone and don’t pressure you to have a drink. It doesn’t matter if you are nursing the same drink all night people don’t put the pressure on if they know your drink is alcoholic. But I can’t, I don’t know how to have a few. As soon as I have one I drink it fast and want another immediately, as though the empty glass must be replenished or I feel socially inept; 

    I feel, for tonight, I’ve been the most boring and sensible friend. Not the life and soul. Not getting up in the bar and dancing around with strangers. I think I could of done that and had loads of fun but it would be tomorrow I would suffer so badly and my children would get a different mum, one not very present or pleasant for them.  And that just doesn’t seem fair to Chloe or Dylan when this is all about them just now and finishing up for school for the summer holidays. 

    It’s tough having little ones, when Chloe was little I was younger and could get away with a late, boozy night, would manage the school run in a haze and then go back to sleep and be fit for when I had to pick her up. With 3 kids you just can’t, there’s no going back to bed after the school run.  So I’ve just got to keep making choices that look at the bigger picture. Is the 6 hours laughing and giggling worth the horrible days ? For me, just now, no. Maybe when Fearne’s a little bigger and less intense maybe I’ll be able to get away with it and it’ll be worth it but for now no.

    It feels nice to be home and to be sober. 

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    MerryGoRound 

    So I don’t really know where to start; 

    31/05 last blog post where I felt really, really hungover from 3 large glasses of wine and hated it.

    01/06 Worked Monday morning and felt overwhelmed with things. Colleague really intense and just feeling massively out of my depth. 

    02/06 Keep waking up between 3-4am worrying about work and then not getting to sleep. Got both kids to nursery by 8:05 and drove to the GP to get an on the day appointment. Explained I had been feeling anxious, over whelmed with work and not sleeping. Got signed off sick for 2 weeks and advised to contact counselling service and own Health Visitor. Phoned counselling service, 6-8 week wait. Phoned Health Visitor, on Annual Leave. 

    03/06 – 07/06 Felt massively relaxed being signed off and relieved not to have to think about Health Visiting. Made the decision to resign from my Health Visiting post of 2 years and 9 years of working within NHS Lothian. Slept for a solid 7 hours on Sunday night once the decision had been made.                    Jamie initially disagreed with the decision as he could only see that everything was in place and we would be better off financially. I think he did then understand that it would be at the expense of my mental health.  I’ve had massively mixed feelings about my decision and one that has taken me months to finally come to. I feel in some ways that I’m quiting and I hate to give up on things but have a massive, overwhelming feeling that it’s the right thing to do. 

    08/06 E-mailed relevant managers of my decision. Sent off official notice of resignation, worked out hours left to work, amazingly taking into account my sick line and annual leave entitlement I don’t have to go in at all! It was meant to be. Had to speak to manager about decision and arrange to go in with ID badges. Resigning is not completely straightforward is it? 

    09/06 – 12/06 prepare, shop, cook & clean all week to get ready for Fearne’s BBQ. Felt absolutely spent by Friday night. Have cleaned house from top to bottom, gutted garden, made first birthday cake. Been to the shops, ordered balloons and banners. Organised food for BBQ. Had Dylan’s sports day. Chloe went into 5th year. Mum and dad on holiday. It’s been crazy busy, not been eating properly all week as had too much to do. Dylan also fell off the slide in the garden on Tuesday and split the back of his open, needing it glued back together up at sick kids. 

    13/06 Fearne’s first Birthday BBQ. We had overdone it massively. We had about 35-40 adults and about 30 children all here. The weather was freezing and everyone wanted to stay in our tiny house not out in the garden. It was too much for Fearne and she wouldn’t let me put her down at all. 

    And then I got absolutely and completely pissed ! Completely blacked out at the end, was sick over myself, how glamorous for my babies first Birthday. Didn’t say goodbye to a lot of guests as disappeared into my neighbours where she poured me a giant glass of wine….have I mentioned I can’t drink wine??? 

    We’re now at Wednesday 17th June and I still don’t feel 100%, so far this has been a 4 day hangover. Sunday we had to make a windmill out of recycled material, Joy of joys ! Monday had to take said windmill into school which broke in the playground at 8:40am producing a Dylan meltdown. Also had to hand over money to one of the dad’s and get Dylan to sign teacher cards, also had to give back £5 to teacher that Dylan had found on Friday  but was going with the Finders keepers philosophy. Was so pleased the teaching assistant heaped reward onto him and said he would earn extra house points. Softened the blow somewhat but sure he would of preferred the fiver! That was all hard on day 2 of horrendous hangover. Then had to get little gifts and cards for Fearne.                            

    Tuesday, Fearne’s actual birthday and the morning was hectic and chaotic. Got kids off to school, took Fearne swimming and then out for lunch. Picked both kids up and then home. 

    Today, Dylan really, really wanted me to go on class trip so dropped Fearne at nursery and then went to Yellow Craig’s Beach with 45 excitable 5-6 year olds, four of which I was responsible for. 

    This week has been tough.

    I have been feeling so annoyed with myself for drinking and looking at why? Why did I get so drunk? I went onto a complete self destruct style of drinking? Crazy, out of control, teenage type drinking.   I was also with my teenage daughter who got really drunk. I don’t know if there are answers but I do know that an afternoon of drinking is not worth how I’ve felt for days on the other side of it. 

    I’m back on my sober journey, the goal now; Christmas. 

      First year with Fearne Pop. 

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    Day 148 

    So I got to 147 days booze free 😊😊 on the 148th day I caved and had a drink. I knew I really wanted to have a drink for Fearne’s 1st birthday BBQ and was going over and over this in my head until I admitted I wanted to drink at it and decided I would. Once I decided that all I could think about was having a drink. I went out with a friend last week, on a Saturday with no children to a pub and didn’t drink and had a nice time. Then I went out with work colleagues on Friday night and they were all having Prosecco in the bar then the restaurant was BYOB and 5 bottles of wine appeared on the table. I was very tempted but resisted the wine witch and left at 10pm and drive home. 

    Then last night all three kids were at my sis in laws for a sleepover and my neighbour popped in for 5 minutes which then led to us having a couple of glasses of wine, she left and I had another glass. I definitely felt the effects of it and had she stayed I probably would of had more. 

    This morning though, I’ve felt so hungover from 3 glasses of wine 😁😁 head hurts, massively can’t be bothered and am so thankful there are no children needing me this morning. 

    So, I think I’m back on the sober wagon again. Yes, the few glasses were nice but nope, not worth the next day. I think I had forgotten what the next day felt like and was missing the feeling a few glasses of wine gives you. 

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    Same old. 138/365

    I’ve not had an alcoholic drink for nearly 5 months ! That sounds more I think than 138 days. I have been missing having a drink a little lately, I think it’s to do with nicer weather coming in and lighter nights and thinking it would be fun to meet up with friends and have the sort of giggle you only get when out having a few drinks. As always for me though it’s the thought of the hangover the next day that puts me off. 

    We’ve also got Fearne’s first Birthday coming up, which we’re having a BBQ for. We’ve had bbq’s in the past, for Chloe’s Birthday and then in July and they are always good fun and normally quite boozy affairs. I’ve been wondering how it’ll be for me not drinking alcohol. I really want to see my little social experiment through and see what it feels like at the end of achieving a whole year booze free. 

    Jamie is doing a month booze free…which he’s hating 😁😁 he’s saying that there is no benefit and he is really missing having a beer after work or at the weekend, he’s still got 10 days to go. I just hope his month off doesn’t push him to drink more when he’s so relieved to have a beer at the end of the month 😫😫 that would be a disastrous outcome I think! 

    Also had I been handing my notice in, today would of officially been my last day at work but for better or worse I’m carrying on. At 4am when Dylan or Fearne gets up and I can’t get back to sleep I wonder….what have I done?  But, once the kids are dropped off and I’m in the office having a coffee and a blether it feels like the right decision. Sure there will be good days and bad days just as there would be if I was a stay at home Parent but at least this way there will always be enough to pay the bills (just 😳) 

    So, for now, I’m going to carry on in my little journey into sobriety.  

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    132/365 good vs bad vs good 

    https://m.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fsanctificationandspitup.wordpress.com%2F2015%2F03%2F18%2F10-ways-to-enjoy-your-child-today%2F&h=VAQGk4OGj&enc=AZOI-2ZrZb3x4Oq0199QxwmBodgURmusvi1gB-_LO18_IZNtqKinZZF9NFBCTCnhY14&s=1
    Saw this today and had to share, it’s so amazing ! 

    Going to work my way through the list with Dylan. I already did one this morning, let Dylan have half a glass of coke this morning (before school) that had been his bribe for eating his tea last night. I thought I had failed as a mum on quite a few levels 😁 but reading this blog has made me feel actually I was being good saying yes (to fizzy juice at breakfast time) 😂😂

       
       

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    Slow down.    128/365 

    Saw this and thought how true and how we all need to slow down and enjoy the here and now.

      
    I am the worlds worst for always looking to what’s happening next and not enjoying the present. Always planning things, filling up our days, being busy. I need to learn to stop and realise this is it, this is life, here and now.

    I look at my daughter who has just turned 16 and I hear her talking about her plans, her hopes for the future and I can remember clear as day being this age and having similar plans and life felt so full of possibility. It sometimes feels as though someone has pressed fast forward and here I am 21 years later at 37. I’m sure if you ask someone in their 70’s, 80’s or even 90’s they will feel the same and wish they could go back for a day. 

    I think when your so busy with family life and especially with little ones it’s easy to get caught up in the routine and forget to enjoy the days. 

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    Ying & Yang 127/365 

    So SNP won by a landslide in Scotland and secured 56 seats at Westminister but we now have five more years of being run fully by the conservatives and all that that entails 😩😩

    1. I sat up the latest I have done since before we had Fearne and really pushed the boat out by staying up til past midnight!! Oh my goodness though, I have paid for it big time today. I have been so shattered all day, Fearne’s been teething and her new noise is to shriek (think very high pitch) whenever she’s not getting her own way. Dylan is also cutting his back molars and seems to have regressed over the last few weeks into a big, oversized baby prone to frequent meltdowns.
    • It’s been a very long day and for the first time in a while I would love a drink. The thought though of tomorrow being harder than today is definitely a great deterrent. Dylan’s already in bed with a DVD and will be able to put Fearne down in ten minutes, then absolute peace (amidst the bombsite that is currently my home) 
    • The cats have discovered a birds nest somewhere and brought me in 2 little surprises. Fearne then went to get the bird but settled with a feather as I just made it before her. I think she is going to have a cast iron immune system growing up in this crazy house. 

      
    The nights events of the general election took it out of Fearne too! 

    So, what a difference a day makes, yesterday I was all set to have another year booze free now I can’t wait for 02/01/16 to crack open my bubbles and get totally pissed !!! 🍸🍸🍸 

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